Why loving yourself matters
/Love can be a tricky topic to navigate but shift the focus specifically to self-love and for some, that can bring up even more resistance. Why is that? And is it worth leaning into the discomfort to better understand the relationship you have with yourself so you can love yourself more?
Yes. It’s worth it because how we relate to ourselves underpins EVERYTHING in our life.
Why loving yourself can seem so hard
Once upon a time it actually wasn’t hard to love yourself but you weren’t consciously thinking about it either. As babies, we were full of love and in awe of ourselves–just think of the delight a baby experiences when they discover their fingers or toes or see their reflection. Back then it felt like the world revolved around us, and to some extent, it did because we relied on others to take care of us.
But as we grew, we started to become aware of what was going on around us. In our developing minds, we processed what was being said and the actions of others, and attached meaning to the situations we experienced. In the formative years between the ages of 1 and 7, we started to embed beliefs about who we were and who we needed to be to fit in, to belong, and to be loved.
Here are some examples to illustrate this.
If you misbehaved as a child, it was common to be told you were a “bad boy/girl”. It was perhaps also accompanied by the withdrawal of love from those around you. The story could then become, “If I do something that someone I love doesn’t like, I’m a bad boy/girl and therefore not loveable.” From there, you might strive to always be good, suppressing your true nature and becoming focused on pleasing people.
Get a poor grade at school and hear that you’re an embarrassment can also lead to the creation of a story about who you are. You’re only loveable when you get good grades, your worth is dependent on a mark and not embarrassing others. You learn that love is conditional on behaving in a way that meets the expectations of others.
Or perhaps you learnt you had to put others first, that their needs were more important, and it was selfish to think about yourself. This erodes the relationship you have with yourself because you not only see yourself as unimportant but don’t give yourself the care and attention you need to live well.
And on the list could go.
It’s no wonder we started to doubt who we were and morphed into who we thought we needed to be so we were accepted and ultimately, so we could be loved. Being loved was about making others happy by doing and saying what they wanted, and us waiting for their acknowledgment.
There was never any space for self-love – it was all about providing yourself to be worthy of receiving love from others. And that’s why self-love can seem hard; it’s seen as bad or wrong and you’re conditioned to think of the goal as needing to be loved by others.
What is self-love?
Self-love is loving yourself.
It’s having a deep, unwavering appreciation of who you are. It’s treating yourself with kindness and respect, no matter what.
We’re not talking about a one-time deal either. Self-love isn’t a destination! It’s a life-long journey and requires daily practice.
From a practical point of view, it could include any of these:
Knowing, accepting, and approving of who you are.
Speaking to and about yourself with kindness
Choosing what’s right for you even when it might upset or anger others.
Saying what’s true for you rather than what’s popular or expected.
Making daily lifestyle decisions and choices that nourish your mind, body, and soul.
Saying “no” to a request that isn’t right for you.
Caring for your health and wellbeing (consistently, not just when you’re unwell)
What else would you add to this list? (remember, this is about you so there’s no one-size-fits-all list of things to do)
The importance of self-love
Self-love isn’t a luxury. It’s not something to show yourself when (or if) you’ve got the time or energy. And it’s not something that someone else bestows on you.
It’s YOU committing to honour yourself.
Now, depending on your own personal experiences and beliefs, developing and nurturing a strong self-relationship based on loving and respecting yourself could be relatively easy or it could be one of the most impossible, crazy ideas you’ve ever heard.
For all of us, to some degree, this work will present challenges and there’s no way to shortcut them or skip the inner work required to love yourself well. Rather than push the work aside, remember why it’s important … the relationship you have with yourself will impact the quality of every aspect of your life.
Start to love yourself, now
You don’t have to put off starting until you know every single step or feel 100% ready and confident to do this work. It can start here, now, with a commitment to go on the journey. Simply be open to loving yourself and to exploring what’s stopping you from loving yourself. Because here’s the thing … the very essence of you is love, the work is to ‘remove’ what’s stopping you from connecting with that.
There’s no greater gift that you can give yourself than permission to love yourself.
And you are (more than) worthy of your own love, now.