Where should statements come from and what to do about them

Noticed you’re saying “I should…” a lot more lately? Let's not dilly dally about this because its best nipped in the bud before it settles in for the long haul! 

The insidious “shoulding” is easily recognised - it shows up in phrases that begin like this...

I should be thinner 
I should be fitter 
I should be smarter
I should be married
I should be in my own home
I should be balancing work and family better
I should be spending more time with the children
I should be cooking meals from scratch more often 
I should ...

Before we go any further, you might like to grab your journal and write down your own "I should..." phrases. Because you'll probably have at least one (perhaps more).

Why now is a prime time for “shoulding” to run rampant 

With all that’s happening with Covid and the impact it’s having, you've been thrust into figuring out a new way of living and working. There’s no rule book and if you already had doubts about who you are and what you want for your life, then you’re probably feeling even more anxious, worried, overwhelmed or stressed. 

It’s also likely you’re thinking a lot about your life and saying things like ... I'm not doing it right, I'm not doing well enough, why aren't I doing more, I need to get my life sorted - everyone else has, what if people find out I'm not good enough and so on. Frustrating and stressful, right?

“Shoulds” thrive when we feel vulnerable

Over the years, I've noticed “shoulds” show up for me when I'm tired. So there are two ways I look at that because being tired isn't the root cause.

The first question I ask myself is, what made me tired? The tiredness didn't just happen. There'll be a reason and knowing why will provide some useful insights.

The other question is, what happens when I'm tired? And over the years I've noticed I follow a very similar pattern each time! When I'm tired, I'm not as clear about my intention or my priorities. Then I feel like I'm procrastinating and wasting time, so cue the negative self-talk which of course starts with ...

Yep, you guessed it - “I should…”

So, as soon as I notice the “shoulds” I've trained myself to step back and observe what's going on. 

What can make a difference?

There’s a few key things that can make a difference. The first one I’ve already shared with you and that’s - write you “should” statements on paper.

The other two are…

Know, accept and approve of yourself

Because when you do - when you know, accept and approve of who you are - you naturally feel stronger and more confident. You're not pushed and pulled so much by what others say and do. But so often people haven’t really delved beneath the surface to get to know themselves. You are with yourself your entire life, so that makes getting to know yourself important.

Get clarity about what you want for your life

This is your life to live well but have you got clarity about what you want? And I’m not talking about what you think you “should” want or what’s expected of you. This is about what YOU want for your life.

Okay, so if you know what your “should” statements are, and get to know yourself and what you want better, you’re on the path to ditch those “shoulds”. And that's good news because you're less likely to feel anxious, worried, overwhelmed or stressed. Imagine that! Imagine how good you might feel.

If “shoulding” has been showing up in your world recently and looking like it wants to settle in, it's time to say "thanks but no thanks". This is your time to live well.