Learn how to process negative emotions

"There's nothing I can do about xyz, so I just need to get on with it". Honestly, that statement belongs in a sealed box with "HARMFUL - DO NOT USE" written in great BIG red letters on it.

Processing how you feel is one of the best things you can do for yourself, especially when you’re feeling one or more negative emotion. Because just like it's futile trying to hold an inflatable beach ball under the water, the same goes for trying to ignore your emotions.

Unprocessed emotions will come out in some way, shape or form and generally speaking, it'll be ugly.

Feelings that might have been manageable, can quickly and easily grow to the size of a large mountain and be seemingly impossible to deal with.

Emotion is meant to move through you

Growing up, most people weren’t taught how to process their emotions in a healthy and helpful way, but one message a lot of people received was to push aside the so-called 'negative' ones. You've got to be happy, put on a brave face and keep going. That’s what a good girl/boy does.

The problem with that approach is the energy of the emotion gets trapped within us. And as you’ll learn, that is likely to lead to problems.

None of the emotions we feel, not even happiness, are permanent states. They’re meant to move through us.

You see, emotions are like clouds in the sky, they’re not permanent. And just how sometimes the clouds are dark and other times they’re light and have a friendly fluffy look about them, so to do our emotions vary.

Emotions are signs

Rather than labelling emotions as good or bad, positive or negative, a more useful way of looking at them is to see them as ‘signs’. They’re letting you know something.

Happy lets you know you’re doing something you enjoy or you’re with someone you feel good being around.

Angry lets you know something is going on or been said that’s made you mad. Or maybe you’re around someone you don’t like or trust.

How you feel is the result of what you’re experiencing AND (and this is important) what you think of what you’re experiencing.

Think about it now.

When you’re with someone you enjoy being with, what are you thinking about? It’s probably something along the lines of how much you enjoy spending time with them and how good it feels, right?

And when you’re with someone you don’t enjoy being with, what are you thinking about then? Most likely, it’ll be something like how much they annoy you, and you’ll be picking out all the things they’ve done or are doing wrong. So, it’s no surprise the feeling of anger grows.

Why processing negative emotions is important

If you feel a positive emotion, it’s useful to notice what you’re thinking and doing. You can express gratitude for it either to yourself in your own mind, out loud or in your journal. Doing that will help you recognise what feels good to you and you’ll (unconsciously) start to prioritise more of that.

But what about those negative emotions, why is it important to process them?

Well, if you don’t, the energy of the emotion settles into your body and starts to cause trouble. The impact of that will show up in all eight areas of your life and that includes these ones:

  • Your health. You might have trouble sleeping, lose your appetite or eat more, get colds, stomach upsets, headaches or migraines. You could become more stressed, depressed or anxious. And more serious health issues can show up too.

  • Your relationships with your partner, family, friends, colleagues, clients etc. You might notice more tension, arguments and in some cases, relationships might break down and end.

  • Your work/business. You might not be as focused, productive or achieve the results expected of you. It might feel like you’ve lost motivation and struggle through each day.

So while processing negative emotions, especially if you’re not used to doing that, may seem daunting, perhaps even scary, the consequences of not taking a closer are potentially significant.

5-steps to process negative emotions

Here are 5 steps you can use to process negative emotions when they show up for you. Remember, like anything new, working through these steps might feel awkward or uncomfortable, perhaps even scary, to start with. But the more you do it, the more competent and confident you’ll become.

Step 1. Pause and breathe

When you first notice a negative emotion, pause and breathe. This will create space between what you’re feeling and what you do next. Because when you feel triggered, you’ll jump straight onto autopilot (often without even thinking about it) and simply react. Instead, when you pause and breathe, you’ll become more mindful - that’s when you’ll be able to move into the driver’s seat and make better choices.

Step 2. Name the emotion

Once you’ve taken a breath, name the emotion. Say how you’re feeling. As you name the emotion, avoid saying “I am [insert emotion]” e.g. I am angry, and instead say “I feel angry.” You’re not an emotion, you are feeling an emotion.

Step 3. Express how you feel

In this day and age, it’s common to see people venting or ranting on social media. When I talk about expressing how you feel, I’m not meaning jump on social media and blurt out what’s going on. Say what you’re feeling out loud to yourself, a trusted friend or a life coach, or perhaps write it in your journal. Cry big messy, snotty tears. Stomp your feet. Allow yourself to feel the emotion, it’s key to letting it pass through you.

Step 4. Understand what triggered the emotion

Remember, emotions are signs and they’re letting you know something. Notice what you’re thinking. Because it’s your thoughts that trigger your emotional response. Someone or something doesn’t make you feel a certain way, how you feel is based on what you think about what has or hasn’t happened.

Step 5. Choose your response

Because you’ve paused and taken a breath, named the emotion and expressed it, and also understood what triggered it, you’re now much less likely to react. You’ve put yourself in a position to respond, and that’s much more healthy and helpful.

Remember, as you go through these steps it might, at least initially, feel awkward or perhaps scary. Processing negative emotions is a skill, we can all learn it, and like other skills, the more you practice, the more competent and confident you’ll become.

Negative emotions aren’t to be feared. In fact, it can be helpful to drop the ‘negative’ or ‘bad’ label altogether and simply refer to them as emotions. Because they’re not good or bad, positive or negative, they’re simply showing up to let you know something; tune in, notice what they’re letting you know and then choose your next steps.